First of all I warn you all this post is very personal and negative... Whom doesn't want to read such type of post, feel free to leave. I didn't write it seeking compassion or sympathy, I just did it has a part of my personal process I'm going through at this point. I'm putting my cards on the table and showing my heart to the world.

"...it was a dream to have children, particularly a daughter. But some dreams never come true. In order to keep moving, you have to gently send them off into space and move onto new dreams."

I read this and immediately started to cry. I confess I feel like a liar because I always told everyone I didn't want kids but a year ago my body changed and my biological clock is ticking wild!
This was written by a disable artist (see more here: https://www.boredpanda.com/illustrations-orphan-disease-hibm-kam-redlawsk/) and the drawing is part of a series of her illustration about her dreams. I related so much to her because of my stutter and the fact I don't feel a normal person because of that.
I don't consider myself as disable no, but I always saw myself differently in a negative way... I admit I have periods which I hate myself, I don't accept myself as a person, as a woman...
This new feeling of want to be mother, reveled terrifying! The best description of it is: I feel like I've an ax on my chest, constantly. I even can see it when I see myself in the mirror. Just feel it!
In the beginning I managed to deal with it and worked harder and got involved in so many projects, that I didn't have the time to think about it. Over time, became unbearable... Even pictures of couples, pregnant ladies or babies are unbearable and I just want to scream and cry...
I know that I push people away, I can't make one relationship to work out and I may not have children on my own.
In the end of August I decided it was time to seek professional help and I started psychotherapy. The first session was horrible! I think I never cried so much in my life and even had admitted so much stuff to someone. Although it was good, obviously I felt vulnerable by the fact one person knows so much about me.
But was also liberator and I managed to clean some ideas in my head and decided to take action. I don't like to procrastinate and I always like to be the one who take action, to make it happen. So I started to unfollow people and artists on instagram, removed some friends on facebook and contacted one of my favorite tattoo artist to schedule a new tattoo.
To tell the truth I feel like I lied to myself over 38 years about children! Now I know I simply rationalized the all question and took the decision with the facts and knowledge I had back then. But now I look back and see all the opportunities I missed, everything I've done that now I would like to change and I can't. And I feel awful, stupid and horrible! The urge to cry is constant over this idea...
I want to forgive myself for all the bad and good decisions I took in my all life and be able to move on.
I want to be able to accept myself, my flaws, features and crazy manias I know I have. But you know its harder then you think... Specially when you heard your all life, that you are strange, you are this and that, and over time you start to think maybe the idea the world have of you must be right? How came everyone can be wrong? Maybe I'm the one wrong...
Deep down I wish I could go back in time, to the time I was happy and careless. But that is not possible and nowadays I have a huge consciousness about my body, my person and my presence in the world, like I never had before...

Whom may stick to this post and got here, may be thinking "Why don't she adopt?"
I thought about that, I just don't know if I have the mental, physical and monetary strength to educate a child on my own. And I would like to have the opportunity to raise a child with another person. Maybe one day, but for now that is not an option.

For those who follow my blog over this years, this space always was very cheerful and positive. I shared music, art, inspiration and creativity, but over time grow up with me and its a part of my life and I share here so much mor than I thought I would do it.
I never shared such a personal post, a couple of weeks I wrote my first honest and personal post and after a while I erase it because I felt vulnerable and I like to think I'm made of steel that nothing beats me down... silly me! Nobody is perfect, nobody is always happy. Everybody has low and high moments in life. But I never shared my negative thoughts here. And now I want to be different and show people that is ok to feel bad. Its normal and social networks tende to make people think everyone is happy and its not true.
I want to show people there is nothing to fear about unhappiness, being vulnerable and admit that we all make mistakes.

For those who read this giant post, thank you for stick around and I don't need comments! Didn't wrote it seeking support.
But fear not, will not be many post like this. Is tremendously rare I feel like this and I get up really quick!
I know this post feels super negative but its how I feel now and talking about it like this will make me some good.

Who didn't like it, can unfollow me, my blog, my facebook and instagram.